Don't Take It Personally . . .

I now understand why I experience pain when people are rude to me and break the law around me.  First of all, I care too much.  I care about right and wrong, justice and injustice.  I even have a difficult time laughing at the funny accidents broadcasted on television because I know that even though we don’t get to see it, the people have been injured and are in pain.  So what  if it may have happened months or years ago, when it happened it happened, and the pain was real in real time. J  Possibly even life-changing for several of them, but of course we don’t get to see the rest of the story.  (RIP Paul Harvey.)

But I know I have to walk the line and obey the laws even if others don’t and won’t.  Being raised in a Christian home as a child Christian was not easy for I was constantly reminded by my saved and unsaved family members of the things I could not do (but they could), and many times I felt like a private with several sergeants keeping me in line.  “Hup two three four . . .” J  Therefore I took everything personally when it came to respecting others and obeying the laws of the homeland.

 

Recently, for the first time that I can ever recall in life, I defended my position to get on the train behind the man I was waiting, against a man on my left who tried his best to cut in front of me when the train arrived, without feeling any guilt or remorse for doing so.  But I would not let him, no not this time.  He seemed angry because I would not give up my place to him, but this time I did not care.  (Thank you for your silent strength Rosa Parks.)  I did not take it personally as a black woman.  This time I saw it for what it was:  everyone was trying to get on the same train because no one wanted to continue waiting.  I had missed the first one because there were just too many cattle (Raw Hiiiiide!!), I mean people on that train, and I had to wait 15-20 minutes before the next one to my city would arrive.  Plus I was already there before he was.  White or black, male or female, right is right even though it may be tight.  I came home with a clean and clear conscience knowing that I did nothing wrong and I hurt no one, including myself this time. J

Being overly sensitive can cause us to respond childishly and also cause us to leave ourselves defenseless in the face of blatant abuse and injustices.  But to become an insensitive person can leave one to become hard, selfish and uncaring.  I don’t want the personality pendulum to swing to the opposite extreme, so I asked Father God for the balance of the personality of Jesus Christ to remold this area of my character.  One in which I have a healthy sensitivity to myself and to others.

As I pondered this incident (being overly sensitive can cause you to think about things long after they have passed) I wanted to milk it for all the life lessons I could since I have to use the public transportation system often.  So I began to take notes about what I could see and decided to share them with you.  From AllntheJeansWorld thoughts and Meditations J.  Bien sur.  I can see at least four scenarios from two vantage points.  The vantage points are:  Strangers and Acquaintances.  Strangers are people we don’t know who we meet in passing for the first time.  They know nothing about us and we know nothing about them.  Acquaintances are people we are familiar with whether in the shallow or deep waters of life, friends or family.  They know us in some way whether intimately (deeply in the well), or just socially (surfers).

Each group of people can do and say things to us and mean their words and actions either personally or impersonally.  This is how I broke it down:

1.      Strangers, acting for or against us in an impersonal fashion have nothing vested or invested in us.  They are not giving us a second thought in any way for any reason.  They don’t feel or think that they have anything to gain or lose in the encounter we have with them no matter how long or short the duration.  They are just being who they are, passing through our common space and place in time.

2.    Strangers, acting against or for us in a personal way right away are already living with their prejudices on their shoulders.  They carry some sort of anger against a certain type of people according to race, gender, size, ethnicity, nationality, etc.  So when they encounter someone against (or for) whom they carry this judgment, they may go out of their way to express their prejudice (pre-judgement) against that person personally, even though they have had no prior contact with them. 

In both cases the stranger is acting out of who or what he or she is, not because there is a meaningful relationship between himself/herself and the other person.  So, don’t take it personally.  J  Just let it go and keep on moving on.

Now let’s look at the scenarios with acquaintances.

Ø The old adage or cliché “that’s just the way he/she is” could be applied to acquaintances who act out for or against us in an impersonal way.  You know the kind – the persnickety aunt who doesn’t like for you to touch anything when you enter her spotless house.  Or the grumpy uncle whose face never smiles even when he’s happy and laughing.  You just never know how to take him.  They are not trying to hurt or protect anyone’s feelings, or to even make a statement.  They may even be said to be “insensitive” for they don’t try to discern the situation or the feelings, needs, and desires of others around them.  They just do and say without much thought for they are just into their way of being, and doing things. 

Ø On the other hand, acquaintances who act out against or for us in a personal way are doing so armed with experiences and histories from their encounters with us through life.  The past, whether positive or negative, mark or mar their feelings and thoughts for, or against us.  Even if they are trying not to show it, if the past has not been successfully resolved, history and experiences will continue to effect and affect how they respond and interact with us.  Hmmm, this scenario is more difficult to ignore and not take personally, for we cannot give a blanket statement which says “it’s not about me” or “it’s not my fault”.  We are involved personally in some way.  Still . . .

How can one go through this life without becoming overly sensitive – taking everything personally on the one hand versus being insensitive on the other?  Well, I found some answers in the Good Book, but I won’t quote them chapter verse and line.  But here they are anyway:

ü By loving others AS we love ourselves.  These are the direct words of Jesus the Christ.  When we practice loving ourselves we will become experts at loving others.  Do you take personally everything you do?  Nah!  You like to give yourself a break too.

ü Treating others the way we want to be treated even if they don’t treat us that way.  Somebody has to start a positive chain reaction in society.  It might as well be me.  It might as well be you.  Right? J

ü Loving ourselves because insensitive people certainly are not going to do it, because they don’t know how.  We do in public what we do in private, so you can best believe that if people are being insensitive to you in public, then they are first being insensitive to themselves and their families at home.  Don’t take it personally. Feel sorry for them, and pray for their families. J

ü See the bigger picture, especially in public places:  It’s not always just about me/you/us.  Everyone is trying to squeeze into the same space at the same time.  If you can afford to wait, then extend your time and space to those who feel they cannot.  If you are one of those who cannot, then proceed with caution, but don’t’ take the insensitivity and non-caring actions and attitudes of others personally.  Maybe they are late too, or just have never learned patience. J

ü Back in the 80s Jermaine Jackson recorded a song that says “Don’t take it personal, take the bitter with the sweet.  Easy come easy go. . .”  Life is full of the bitter and the sweet, and the bitter usually has a way of deepening our appreciation for the sweet.

When I finally opened my mind and eyes to really see the people around me from inside the needs and discomfort of my own skin, rather than just as strangers to be tolerated for a short span of time, I experienced a release inside my soul and stomach.  These people don’t know me and I don’t know them even though we’re staring at each other while waiting for the same bus or train.  That’s all we have in common – the need to ascend the same mode of transportation at the same time.  (And the polluted oxygen in the air, and . . .)  The best way I am going to maintain my sanity and ability to love the unlovely and the unloving is to allow the Lord of Love to keep me marinated in His love for me, so I will never forget just how precious to Him I am, and how precious He is to me.  Armed with His love for me (love is an important part of our armor), I can defer my space to others and I can stand up for myself when I need to without leaving the scene with pain in my soul.  The only thing therefore, that’s important for me to take personally is Jesus Christ’s love for me.

Peace.