It had been seven years since my last visit to the eye doctor yet my
glasses were keeping it together, if you can call having to check the tiny
screws weekly and constantly squeezing the frames around the lens “keeping it
together.” I knew I needed to buy new
glasses not only because a visit was long overdue, and not only because an
optometrist’s machine revealed that my prescription was no longer sufficient
for my eyes, but because while singing in a concert last winter, an inebriated
man from the audience came up onto the stage and walked on those glasses. Yes, right while we were singing “Oh Happy
Day.” Everyone saw him do it and
followed my eyes and expression to the floor where my twisted glasses lay.
I was not ready to buy glasses for several reasons, but I knew I
would have to change that song and dance sooner than later. Why were my glasses on the floor anyway? They were beside my setlist and towel
minding their own business as usual, beside the microphone stand. It was the drunk man who was out of place
where he should not have been. Anyhoooo,
my singers and I had a wonderful evening together on and off the stage that
night and we refused to allow this incident to spoil our evening. I reshaped my glasses as well as I could and
replaced the lens, tightening the screws again so I could “get back to
normal.” But after that night, I never
saw the world the same way again. :-)
Finally, nine months later I visited an ophthalmologist who said I
have the head and face of a gospel singer.
Then he asked me “what do you do?”
I said “I am a gospel singer, etc.” :-) When he tested my glasses and eyes he said,
in French “they are finished” LOL! Who
knew? :-)
Afterwards I crossed the street to the optometrist to choose some new glasses. Buy one get one free!! I was in heaven, so I bought two pair and got
two more free. I was determined not to
be left in a situation where I could not see well because of a freak mishap.
The doctor told me what I already knew: I need glasses to see far away, not for up
close or for reading. And I notice that
when I bring anything too close to my face I cannot “see it” – it goes out of
focus. I recall having to learn the
different conditions of the eyes in school, but I cannot recall the name of this
second phenomenon. The first one of
course is called “nearsightedness.” I
need help seeing “far away” with clarity.
Hmmm.
This new encounter with my
eyes at this time in my life led to another discovery about myself. Maybe you might see also what I m saying –
the words that are coming out of my mouth. :-) What we do in our environment and world is a
manifestation of what we are doing inside – our inner world. Grant it, I do know that we don’t always do everything we think, imagine, desire, or fantasize about doing, yet
because the potential to “do” is great once it becomes a thought, this makes
our minds the most powerful places on the planet apart from God Himself.
What was my discovery? My
physical eyes are nearsighted and reflect the same problem I have with my
spiritual eyes. I have no problem
seeing, and thus believing for those things which are not too far away, in the
future – say tomorrow or even a couple of months away. I have no problem believing for things which
have a date and time for that places a “cap” or ceiling upon the expected
event. However, I need “glasses” for my
spiritual eyes, just like for my physical eyes in order to “see” (believe) for
those things in life which have no set date or time. They are open-ended, meaning we have no idea
when they will happen, and as time continues to pass with no guardrails or
other guides, no stop lights, etc. like a neverending ribbon of road through
the desert (and you can no longer see where you started, so you cannot return
to that place, no turning back), no modern truck stops in sight and no vacant
houses for you to move into, you begin to wonder if those things will ever
happen at all. There seems to be no
“accountability” for and to those events with an open-ended time table.
So I struggle to believe for God’s promises when year after year,
and now even a couple of decades pass with no evidence appearing, no extra
terrestrial or celestial visitations, no close encounters of the third to fifth
power happening out in the middle of my desert experiences. This is not to give the impression that
absolutement rien est passé. Pas du
tout, parce que everyday something is
happening, whether I can see it or not.
I do know that I myself am changing.
This brings me to another situation I’d like to delicately
share. In the context of “I am changing”
it is all happening because of Jesus Christ, the Son of God living in and
living through me. He’s no longer a baby
in a manger, even though every year when we celebrate His birth we tend to
return to the manger to do so. I’m not
saying this is a bad thing, for to remember one’s beginnings can result in
present revelations for life transformations.
However, many people knowingly and unknowingly put Jesus (and
themselves) back into that manger and swaddling cloths every year, and some
even live as though He is the baby needing them
to take care of Him. Do you pull out pictures of yourself in your
baby crib every year that you celebrate your birthday? Do you revisit the hospital where you were
born and set up candles and a vigil? :-)
But back to my “seeing” situation.
Because of Jesus’ great love for and towards me – I am changing from the
inside out. Jesus is doing in me
phenomenal things I did not know I needed to be done. For me this is resulting in a deeper love for
Him which I can only describe with the words I have to express. Having done this in mixed company I have
caused others to experience discomfort because their experience with Jesus
Christ has not reached that depth. It’s
like taking someone deep-sea diving when they’ve never learned to swim in four
feet of water. They are offended
(afraid). When I learned that others
were offended at how I express the depth of my love for Jesus, that they
brought it down to a flesh and blood carnal place where it was never conceived,
I was hurt. At first. :-) But then I realized that I am in good company
for there was also another woman who semi-publicly/privately expressed her
gratitude upon Jesus who also was misunderstood and judged by religious
folk. And of her, Jesus said that she
would be remembered on this earth forever.
He was not ashamed to connect and couple Himself, His life, His
reputation and name with this low-life trailer trash of a woman. He graciously accepted, received, embraced
and adored her only gift of love – lavish affection and the “undressing” of
herself and life upon Him, because He knew that she knew from what depths of depravity He had saved, delivered,
healed and restored her.
I too know and understand the depth Jesus went to save, deliver,
heal and restore me, but only to the
depth of my experience, which in
itself is great. I cannot possibly know
by experience the depth of death, hell and the grave Jesus went down into to save just one person –
ME. Let alone the darkness of separation
from the Father He experienced on the cross to save all of humanity for all
time - spirit, soul and body. But when I
meditate upon Him and His greatness and wonderful love, I am reduced to blubber :-) and my desire to love Him back goes
deep, down beyond myself to the point where I desire to surrender my entire
self to Him.
See, to and for me this is a miracle because I have lived all of my
life trying to please God according to what I knew. And because I’ve lived all of my life in the church
I believed that I had given all of myself to the Lord, the church and ministry have guided my life’s
choices, therefore I did not believe or realize that I had much to be saved,
healed, and delivered from. I thought I
was “okay” and ready to experience all of my dreams and desires, and all God has for me. It has taken the past 11 years, little by
little, line upon line for God to peel me like an onion to reveal what was well
hidden within this person called “me”,
even from myself. It is thus very true that we do not know
ourselves as we are known by the Lord.
At the beginning of this 11 year voyage the Lord showed me in a
vision His pursuit of me. He revealed to
me what He would do from “on the outside” (what turned out to also be an 'inside job', good grief!) – the before and after, but I had no idea
“how” it would happen, neither how long it would take. I had no idea what I would experience
internally or externally as Jesus pursued me to make me His own. The tears and fears, the emotional highs and
lows, the depression of being emptied out of everything I am and knew myself to
be, and of everything I had in this life . . .
Even if I could tell you all, unless and until you experience it for
yourself you could not appreciate the depth of God’s love for and towards
ME. Therefore, it is possible that you
too would be offended by my descriptions and expressions of deep love for
Jesus.
I learned through my recent eye doctor’s visit and acquisition of
new glasses (les lunettes en Francais) that there was nothing wrong with the
appearance(s) of people and things around me.
Red was red and green was green.
The problem with seeing was coming from within me, my eyes – the way they
were processing what was falling onto the retinas, corneas, and other eye parts
and how my brain was processing them. So
the world around me didn’t need glasses, but I did. As I shared my
new-found deep love for Jesus Christ to other close friends they said to me
“there is nothing wrong with how you are expressing YOUR love relationship and
experience with God, for it is yours.
When others 'hear' your descriptions they process them according to the
definitions/understanding of those words already registered in their lives and
experiences. And because their
experiences do not have the same depth and dimension as yours they are offended
by yours, because they cannot relate to you.
It doesn’t make theirs wrong either, but it limits your [talking about
me/mine] ability to share the depth of your love for Jesus, and/or it limits
how much you can share, and with whom you can share it. It also exposes them to the discomfort that
they themselves have not experienced Jesus at that depth for it’s probable that
they suffer under the spirits of religion, traditions, and legalism, just like the
Pharisees, Sadducees and the disciples who witnessed the woman washing Jesus’
feet with her perfume, hair and tears.” (Whew, what a long sentence that was.)
So I must be more careful in front of whom I undress myself upon the
Lord, for I’m sure to offend at least one person who “thinks” they’re in love
with Jesus too. What about you? How do you see those around you who are different from you physically,
mentally, emotionally, spiritually, educationally, financially, etc.? When you hear others describe their life
experiences with the language they speak, know, and understand do you judge and
criticize them? Do you regard them
through your own experiences or lack of?
Or do you admire them for their courage to endure; their courage to bare
their souls and lives to critical people like . . . you?
It takes courage to take down your “hair” in public, to reveal your
deepest thoughts and feelings to others.
It also takes humility and trust.
So the next time you find yourself as one who is hearing the intimate
details of someone’s life, remember that they are trusting you, humbling
themselves at your feet. It is not a moment to criticize, judge or
become offended, but instead it is an opportunity to become inspired,
energized, encouraged to endure. And
when it comes to loving Jesus the Christ, it is a moment for introspection –
“Do I really love Jesus that deeply? Have I truly given Him ALL of me with no
clothes on?” Hmmmm. Now, what did your eyes just see?
Peace.
